It's been a while since I did one of these. Forgotten how fun they could be. :D

1. First thing you do in the toilet?
; Lock the door. DUH.

2. What's your favorite line from amovie?
; Recently, I'm kinda amused by "IlovehimIlovehimIlovehimIlovehim..." from Dan in Real Life. HAHA.

3. Do you like coffee?
; Yup.

4. How are you feeling RIGHT now?
; Borderline exhausted.

5. Crush's name?
; I don't have one.

6. Do you say aim or a-i-m?
; Aim.

7. What are you?
; A freak of nature.

8. Could you eat your favorite foodeveryday for a month and not get sickof it?
; Prolly.

9. What are you craving?
; Pancakes.

10. What comes to mind when I saycabbage?
; Green tissue paper.

11. Have you ever counted to 1,000?
; I wish I had that kinda time and patience.

12. Do you bite into your ice cream orjust lick it?
; Lick, then bite.

13. Do you use smileys?
; Hell yeah. :D

15. Have you ever met a celebrity?
; None important enough to remember.

16. Do you like cottage cheese?
; I love all cheese.

17. What's the last song you had stuckin your head?
; Wyclef's Sweetest Girl.

18. Favorite place to be?
; In bed.

19. Are your parents strict?
; Guess so, in a way.

20. Who do you hate the most currently?
; Mother Whale. Seriously, detention for late work?

21. Would you go out to eat withGeorge W. Bush?
; Hell yeah, just so I can boast about it later.

22. Is there anything sparkly in theroom you're in?
; Not really.

23. Do you rent movies?
; Yeah!

24. Who sits in front of you in yourspanish class?
; Me no hablo espanyol. HAHA. I learnt that from a guidebook!

25. Where are you going to be wednesdaynight?
; Home, I guess. Schooling hours don't leave much time for recreation.

26. Brown or white eggs?
; White.

27. Like rap music?
; Fo shizzle, yo.

29. Experienced the twin towersfalling in New York?
; If I did, I probably wouldn't be here.

30. Is anyone in your family famous?
; I wish, man.

31. What day of the week is it?
; Tuesday. :(

32. What was your Lunch?
; Rice.

33. What is your best friend doingtomorrow?
; I have no idea.

34. Have you ever seen The ButterflyEffect?
; Nope.

35. So, how about them Yankees?
; Over here, we call them Ang Mohs.

36. What is your bus number forschool?
; I'd so totally say it because I'd love to expose myself to psycho stalkers.

37. Is your hair curly?
; Damn, yeah.

38. Last time you cried?
; I cry so easily lately it ain't worth taking note of anymore.

39. Ever walked into a wall?
; Not that I can recall.

40. Have you ever bought anything fromPac Sun?
; No, whatever the hell that is.

41. Favorite season?
; Summer, baby!

42. The next person you'll hold handswith?
; The one that I'll always hold?

43. Do you sleep with the TV on?
; No.

44. Have you ever drank alcoholstraight from the bottle?
; Well, duh, if it comes in a bottle.

45. Do you think you're old?
; Not yet.

46. Are you afraid of the dark?
; Sometimes.

47. Do you like your life right now?
; Not really.

48. When is the last time you chose abath over a shower?
; Like, never.

49. Do you knock on wood?
; Not really.

50. Do you have good vision?
; Very sadly, no.

51. Can you hula hoop?
; No.

53. Worst thing that happened today?
; Seeing Mother Whale's bloated face and not being able to puncture it with a needle.

54. When is your next road trip?
; I have no idea.

55. Have you ever crawled through awindow?
; Nope. I don't have to be that sneaky.

56. Can you handle the truth?
; Well, can you?

57. What was the most recent thing youbought?
; Passport photos.

58. How often do you talk on thephone?
; When I need to.

59. Are you in a complicatedrelationship?
; Nope. Looks fairly simple to me.

60. Do you hate more than 3 people?
; Those that I really, really hate? Nope.




MELODRAMATIC MOMENT #2065:

MY WORLD IS IMPLODING.
THERE IS ALMOST NOTHING WORTH LIVING FOR ANYMORE.
NOTHING.
EXCEPT THAT I'VE SPENT OVER A DECADE STUDYING AND I CAN'T DIE BEFORE MY A'S.
AND THE FEW PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY GENUINELY CARE ABOUT ME.
THESE, I CAN COUNT WITHOUT USING ALL THE FINGERS ON ONE HAND.





Man, I feel like shit.
Somehow I wish I were vaguely religious so that I can pray and have some hope that someday, everything will be okay and my life will suck a little less.
It's okay if everyone hates me. Even I hate myself.




I'd ushered in 2008 on a good note. I'm starting it as a JC2 instead of a JC1, and the fireworks were really pretty. The company was fantastic too. However, it has since morphed into a nightmare of a year, with all the ghosts of last year creeping back, rearing their heads more monstrously than ever.

I seriously mean it. I HAD NO IDEA YOU GUYS HATED ME THAT MUCH.

I know sometimes, I may seem bitchy (maybe to you, that's an understatement). I'm extremely hard to please and every second, I may have something new to grouse about. I'm never satisfied with what I have.

I've always had Xuelin, right there in front of me, and yet, I complained. I was afraid that she didn't see me as important a friend as I saw her and I was upset when at times, she had more important things to do. How can I expect someone to always be at my beck and call? I can't always expect everyone to know how I'm feeling all the time either. I'm sorry, Xuelin. In this new year, I promise to treasure you more.

In 2007, I've seen friends come and go. I've lost Elaine, gotten her back only to lose her again, gotten closer to Woman, and then lost her again. I was really really hurt about losing Elaine because at the start of the year, I felt like she was really special to me. She was someone I could confide in, someone who was never too busy for me. I don't know if you're reading this, but do you remember the times we hung out at the playground at night, just the two of us? The time I sat with you at the void deck while you ate your dinner after some ODAC meeting? When you started all the Korean drama stuff? When I was one of the first people you confided in as well? Did all that stand for nothing? After all that, I'm still a friend to be dropped when you get busy?

Maybe I've been harsh on you lately, when you're trying so hard to make amends. It may seem to everyone that I'm some mean bitch trying to make things hard on Elaine. But think, I DON'T FUCKING HATE HER. I'M NOT TRYING TO MAKE HER LIFE MISERABLE ON PURPOSE. I KNOW YOU GUYS CARE ABOUT HER BUT DOES IT MEAN I CARE ANY LESS? In fact, I know that I care so much about her that I can't stand the thought of her not being one of my best friends ever. Isn't anyone going to ever listen to how I feel instead?

And to Woman, I direct extreme disappointment as well. You were my crutch during that difficult time, when I was the outcast. I could feel that I was disliked yet I had no idea that some of you had feelings so extremely against me that it was HATRED. I was so upset that I couldn't do anything to make myself heard, to get myself back into a group with some of my favourite people in the world. And there was Woman, helping me, offering me her sympathy and keeping me in touch with news from the rest. Without her, I might have lost my Jiemeis even sooner. Yet after she found new friends and a job, I faded from her list of priorities as well.

To Angeline, I'm really sorry I ruined your birthday, as you so nicely put it. Yes, it's all me. You may like to think that I did it on purpose because I'm just evil through and through, but does it even make sense? You and Duck felt that I was torturing Elaine on purpose but I was seriously not. I was genuinely upset that after one week of me thinking I may have gotten Elaine back, I realised that to her, Jiemeis has been and always will consist only of the four of you. Maybe you didn't intend for it to be like that but subconsciously, you left me and Xuelin out. Don't you think that maybe, just maybe, you're so used to leaving us out that you really forgot us this time? Am I wrong to be upset when I really thought I had Elaine back?

I wasn't planning to do it on your birthday, I swear. In fact, I was already out, getting ready to go over to meet you guys when I got that call from Xuelin, telling me that basically, everyone had met up except the two of us (birthday girl not included because it was to shop for a present). And it wasn't like we were informed beforehand. And the reason why you guys even called Xuelin was to tell her you didn't have enough money. How is a normal human being supposed to feel? You guys go on and on about how we've hurt you, but has anybody ever considered me and Xuelin human enough to feel?

If you truly treat us as Jiemeis in your heart, why do you keep insinuating that we are mean, evil robots plotting to make you guys miserable?

It hurts that you guys don't take us seriously anymore. It really really sucks, considering how much we value you. You may think that we don't but the fact is that we do and nothing you can say can ever change that. Along the way, we've all said stuff that really hurt each other sometimes, and somehow, I'm the only one with it all blowing up in my face. I can say one word while someone else says ten and yet, I'm the one who finds myself at the end of the arrow. I have no idea why.

I credit it to my face, perhaps. Or my sucky personality. Somehow, I've got the word SCAPEGOAT all over my forehead. No matter that, it's always easiest to just pin the blame on me. And I'm accepting it all. I've contributed to some of the bitching in some way or another so I can't say I'm totally faultless. And since you guys have conveniently pressed it upon me, there's nothing I can say. Why not? It might vindicate you as well just to blame everything on me. It's always easier to play the victim and somehow, with every friendship that goes up in smoke, I'm never the victim. There's something about my face that makes me guilty all the time.

Finally, I need to say this to Duck. I don't know what you've heard that made you blow up at me. Of course, I was fucking pissed off because I've heard so much about all the stuff you said about me. Maybe it's unfair to you because you never had a chance to clarify but I really felt that you didn't have a right to say anything to me when the whole Elaine thing didn't involve you, and you've got your story wrong.

That's right. I wasn't the one who spoke to her when she disappeared, so your anger was already misdirected in the first place.

In reply to your blog entry, I mean, come on, it's obviously directed at me. Who else, right? Maybe to you, it seems like I've been saying stuff about you. I have to admit, I have. I felt so utterly and completely slapped in the face when the person who happened to hate me most among all my ex Jiemeis was actually you. I don't know how mildly you took our friendship but apparently, I treated you as so much more important than you saw me. And maybe you haven't thought about it, but according to how you're directing all your hatred at me, IT'S AS IF I'VE BEEN TALKING TO MYSELF ABOUT YOU.

I'm not gonna lie anymore. I'm leaving the whole Jiemeis thing behind. I did say some stuff about you, and how your stories seem to differ when told to different people. Everyone realised that. I didn't exactly go up to them and say, "Hey, everyone, guess what? Let's bitch about Duck today." Go think about it. You might not have realised it but some of us feel played by you, which was why the word "bitchy" soon came into play when your name is mentioned. It's fine if you think that I'm the one who says it. I'm the only one who will accept the blame for how you feel anyway.

But I swear, I never ever once hated you like how you find it so easy to hate me, after all the time that we spent together. You may see me as a pile of shit who's just convenient to hang out with at times, but I really felt that sometimes, you really understood me. I felt that we were both people with surpressed angst, with grievances that will never be redressed. I thought we connected, and that the times we talked actually meant something. Imagine how I felt when I realised I was the only one who felt that way.

For the record, I never told anyone what you told me until some of them told me contradicting stories. You call me a bitch, but I've never been one to you. I didn't gossip about you, but apparently that favour wasn't returned as well. The period after the first confrontation with Xuelin, I grew to learn that Duck wasn't one of my best friends after all. Have you ever felt something like that before? It sucks, you know that? You think that all the mean things you've said about others isn't bitching? Gossip isn't always harmless, Duck, especially when it's about people who actually think they mean something to you.

I've talked so much with you, since the Breadman period, to the Zara period. We even called each other on long bus rides. You were something special to me, but did I ever mean anything to you? Were all the long, late night calls just occur because I was convenient? Imagine how I felt when you quickly substituted me with Xuelin because you see her more. Suddenly, I was no longer the one you talked to on the phone. I thought it didn't matter because I could still call you up when I had time, go shopping with you, my favourite shopping buddy. Guess what? All along, you never liked me. You may say I'm guilty of bitching as well, but I swear, up to the point that I found out that you were saying stuff about me, I'd never ever backstabbed you.

I'm not making any assumptions about you, Duck. I always treated you as someone who'd always be there, even when I bullied you sometimes. Is it all an act, Duck? Were you being fake to me all this while? I was so disgusted and betrayed when I heard what was going on when I wasn't there. And I remember very clearly you said to me, "Since you can forgive me and Xuelin". Forgive you for what, Duck? What have you got to confess? You never owned up to anything and I never suspected you. I couldn't believe how wrong I was.

At this point, there's nothing I can say except, I'm sorry for all the people I've hurt, which is like, every single one of you. Mostly Duck, I guess, since she hates me with such a deep passion now. I have to say, I feel reluctant shouldering all the blame for all the hurtful words that have been exchanged but since it's a Jiemeis tradition to pretend, I guess I have to be the first one to step out and apologise again. I feel that everyone single one of us is guilty in some way but it's okay if no one wants to admit anything because nothing we say is going to help anymore. I just don't want it to end with us all hating each other.

Duck, I do still want to be your friend. As I said, I've always seen you as my shopping buddy, and sort of my listening ear. I've had the talker-listener conversation with you only recently and I swear every single word I've said is real. If you still hate me, though, it's okay. After all, it seems like all the venom from all 5 of us are directed at you through me, so I'm like some evil bitch hitting you with 5 times the strength. It's really okay, because if you can't get over hating me, I'd rather have the Duck who hates me because that's the Duck that's being real.

To all those I used to call my Jiemeis,
I'M SORRY.








I watched vh1's Britney's Most Shocking Year Ever on television last night and this morning and I couldn't help but feel very sad and sorry for her. She used to hold such potential. She was such a star. Everyone loved her. And then came that mystifying slide. No one can pinpoint exactly when it started. Some credit her disastrous marriage to Kevin Federline. Nobody knows for sure. The above photo of her performing at an awards show is something that really reminds me of Britney at her peak. That was her at her most successful, and people who have seen her recently would agree that that was also the time when her figure was at its best.

This is her at this year's VMAs, during her supposed comeback:



Not the most flattering, yeah? Not only did she lip sync in the most obvious fashion, her sleazy get-up of some stripper's outfit, complete with torn fishnets, SO did not titillate. She looked so overweight and clumsy in an attempt to dance that I felt sad for her. Her cellulite had nowhere to hide in that outfit. It was so embarrassing. I was all excited at the prospect of Britney opening the show after years of shelving her career, but I had the same stunned look as 50 Cent, who was sitting in the audience with his mouth open in obvious shock. Like the millions of people watching all over the world, his look clearly protrayed his thought: "What the hell is she doing?" Rihanna had an embarrassed smile on her face.

Yes, Britney, the world sympathises with you.

Of course, there were those who delighted in her humiliation of herself. Poor Britney. What happened, man? Shouldn't it be time you picked yourself up and showed some self-respect? Stop dressing like a stripper because the Britney we knew and loved was not one. Or, at the very least, tone up before flashing your flesh because the sight of you jiggling around is so not appetising.

Don't even get me started on the whole head-shaving, crotch-flashing, bad-mother thing. This has been a very bad year for Britney and hopefully, the next year will look up. Jayden and Sean deserve decent parents and very sadly, neither of what they have are remotely fit to be parents. I can only hope that Britney will shape up.

I used to love Britney and I really wish she'd stop being such a wreck and show people the star that she can be. Britney, your fans are praying for you.







ARGH. WORKPLACE POLITICS.

It's safe to say I am not a fan of politics. What's with all the arguing, the unhappiness, the overwhelming urge to take someone down in order to get to the top? Human beings should all exist in peace and harmony. Sadly, human beings were not made to believe or behave so.

We're programmed to bitch, to hate, to "can't stand" each other, and boy, did my first three days at work show me. This is workplace politics at it's peak, man. The things you see are really amazing, seriously. People are never what they seem and I have to grow eyes at the back of my head to make sure nothing goes on when my back is turned.

It's dangerous. It's guerilla warfare in the harsh jungles of expensive clothes.

Other than money, I've also gained some wisdom and insight into the depths of human nature. I'm still learning how to cope with hypocrites and I think this experience will help me to grow greatly in my understanding of these exquisite creatures and perhaps I might be able to protect myself better in the future. I've also gained the gift of patience and tolerance. I've learned to surpress natural urges, such as the instinct to strangle when provoked and to use some very harsh words when extremely unhappy. Nope, I haven't developed such courage nor stupidity as of yet. What I've learnt is that I should just keep my mouth shut and heed the saying, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do". Instead of attacking with physical confrontations, my comrades have developed a higher level of warfare bordering on nuclear: they pretend.

Imagine it. Isn't it fantastic? When you pretend to be the best of friends, the opponent is less likely to retaliate. By the time they realise you're a foe and not a friend, it's too late for you'll already have taken their defences down. It's a brilliant strategy and some people are more skilled in the art of war that Sun Zi.

I'm so fortunate to have met them all in one place.

And I seriously do not want to be involved in the war. I'm just passing through, man. I'm a neutral party. Don't get me involved in this. All I wanna do is finish my job, take my money and run. Don't waste your ammunition on me.




Went for some 3 hour training for our new job with Duck today. It actually seemed a lot shorter than 3 hours. It wasn't particularly fun, actually. In fact, I found it to be rather like a chemistry lesson, with all the molecular structural stuff thrown in. Duck said it was like a bio lesson. I suppose so, considering the strange names like Xylitol and stuff thrown around. As you can see, that's pretty much the only technical term I can remember at the moment.

Anyway, I think I'm ready to start work at a Guardian pharmacy. HAHA. I do suppose there'll be a lot of harder questions to answer than the technical shit behind each product, but I'll let Duck test the waters first this weekend. HAHA. I'll go deal with the more manageable "Do you have a new piece?" kind that I'm so experienced with handling.

Of course, our weekend jobs mean that I won't be meeting Xuelin for our two-people bridge on Sundays anymore! :(((((((((((((

It's such a total clash please. Xuelin's Monday to Friday and I'm Friday to Sunday. GAH. I'm gonna have to invent one-person bridge soon if I don't wanna die of boredom or something. I don't know what this means for the Jiemeis, because we already don't meet up a lot to begin with. And I won't even be working with Duck because we have to work alone at different locations so that's really really bad.

BUSYBUSYBUSY.

But I'll make myself free for Christmas, promise! I hope we'll meet up to celebrate Christmas together because while the weekly bridge will (I hope) continue after all the working and stuff, Christmas is an annual Jiemeis tradition. PLEASE MAKE AN EFFORT TO KEEP IT GOING! I really don't want Christmas to be just me and Xuelin bridging alone again. Fun (and confusing) as it may be, 2 just isn't the same as 4. HAHA.

I know you guys think that I don't make time for you but I'm really making an effort now so hopefully, all of you will too!

Also went for 4i'o6 class chalet for a short while. Was extremely irritated by how GENTLEMANLY some people can be and felt even worse when I reached and was pretty much just left alone. It was amusing to note that 4i is still 4i, that most of the people haven't changed much. It's still kinda clique-ish and political and not really very united it felt strangely nostalgic because that's the way it's always been, and always will be. Gotta love people for their cute little insecurities.

There were some friendly faces, though. There were still the people who have always been and will always be full of crap, always with some funny story (not all of them remotely close to the truth) to tell. You guys crack me up. Always will. Gotta love them for that. Didn't stay, though. Left to a bit of drama and twisted fanfare from some very crazy and very nosy people but seriously, I gotta thank the people who made an effort to keep me in the loop. You guys are really really nice.

Had prata for supper before heading home. I rarely eat much at BBQ's, no thanks to the horribly over/under-cooked food that's like, protoccol at these events. Had some marshmallows, though. Those are always good. :D


Prata makes you pregnant.
:S




I miss my mum. She's gonna be home tomorrow and I wished she would come back sooner. I don't treat her the best when she's around and I'm always wishing she'll stop nagging at me but now I see that when she's screaming at me, there's some order in my life. Right now, there is none. I'm an absolute wreck.

I know I'm not the biggest fan of the English football team but I was seriously aghast when I saw that they had failed to qualify for Euro 2008. I mean, I stopped supporting them because they were absolute shit, but still, it was a shock. The order has been upset in the footballing world. And I haven't even gotten to the part where I'm appalled by the violence in Italian football. I've always felt that football is a great force of unity. Apparently, it can also make strangers hate each other. The deaths of fans have marred the beauty of football. Games in the Serie A have to been played in empty stadiums. What the hell is this, seriously? The only thing that can make football look more ridiculous is if Jose Mourinho coaches England. Don't get me wrong, I feel McClaren has been rightfully sacked. In fact, it's even a bit too late. But Jose? On top of being labelled an "enemy of football" when football was invented by the English, he has also proclaimed that he had no interest in taking the job. But who knows? Everything is already so messed up anyway.

Other than being the bottom of everyone's list of priorities, I haven't really been up to anything at all. Except I currently have two part-time jobs. Sadly, neither has yet to start, so I've had a lot of time to feel miserable about my pathetic life. I'm such a loner that I've just posted on both my blogs. Oh yeah, I'm glad I promoted though. That's something I'm really thankful for and I wouldn't give it up for anything. Thanks for all the support and encouragement from everyone around me.

And yes, I have, I believe, just closed the door on another chapter of my life. This is the most peaceful ending yet. Though I believe the other party doesn't feel at all at peace. I'm sorry, and I know you tried. I'm just not good enough and you should seriously stop wasting your time. I have tried my best not to demand anything much from you. I have tried my best not to take away any of the time you have with your friends and many times, I've sat alone and felt lonely by myself. Each time I want to pick up the phone and call, I resist because I know you're happy and enjoying yourself and I don't think it's fair to pass on my misery to you. (Though I know I still passed on a lot during this short period of time.) Perhaps I have not tried hard enough for I still come across as selfish and demanding and you still feel I've caused you to distance from your friends. I know how hard it is to keep your friends when you have another commitment. TRUST ME I KNOW BECAUSE I'VE CRIED SO MANY TIMES WHEN THEY MADE SNIPES ABOUT HOW I SPENT ALL MY TIME WITH YOU AND NOT THEM.

I just don't want that to happen to you because I know how much it fucking hurts to be left out. In fact, I'm still working my way back in and it's so hard. People don't always understand and you shouldn't take them for granted. They've known you for four years. You can't put them on hold. I know I don't want to be put on hold either so this is probably for the best. This way, you can spend all your time with them and make sure they never make comments about you distancing just because of a girl. In fact, I'm not even worth it. Perhaps when your friends need you less, you'll be ready for a commitment. But I'm not promising that I'll still be there because I'm not some saint who's so great and noble. I won't lie and say I'll wait because I really don't know. You know how I've always felt that I'm not the right one for you.

Wisen up and open your eyes. Perhaps another girl will be more understanding about your friends. It's not me.

I know how sick everyone is of my mood swings and I don't know what kind of backlash this post is gonna face. I know nobody cares about what I have to gripe about. But I know the person who needs to see this will care and that's all that matters.

God, I'm such a loser.